Sunday, October 31, 2004

"Longing for Love" i felt like writing a little bit tonight and this is what came...this is not about anyone in particular...just so you know!

I'm sitting alone in my room tonight. The world is narrowing around me, and I am suddenly secluded. My window is open because it is a beautiful night, the kind where you can sense the changing of seasons. I can hear the sound of the swing being pushed back and forth by the presence of two people alone in their own world. Their world stands in complete contrast to mine. They are in love. The sound of an innocent lover's smile penetrates the distance between us and I am at once drawn into the mystery of it all. I dare not try to understand, for it is impossible because I am not living in their world. I am dead to this world of love. I cannot breathe its air nor stand its ground, yet I can sense its beauty and gaze upon it with longing.

I long for the connection they share. I long to have my fingers entangled in the hair of the one I'm made for. I long to look into her eyes and know. I long to place my hand inside hers and have my body tremble with nervousness and excitment. I long to feel her smile in the depths of my soul. I long to dance with her in the middle of a crowded room so everyone can see us. I long to embrace her to pray for her to sing to her and build a life with her. I long to protect her, to provide for her, to lead her, to guide her, to be guided by her. I long to give her extravagant gifts as well as simple ones. I long to kiss her eyelids and forehead when she's not feeling well to make her better. I long to hold her in my arms as we dance. I long to take long walks to talk about nothing. I long to sit on that swing and feel it moving to our rhythm.

I can still hear the swing outside my window. I am still unable to understand this thing called love, I can only wait patiently, anticipating its arrival.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Jes Allen (one of my best friends) and Me! Aren't we HOTT!!!

Jess Neal and Me! It was fun to be on the court with such good friends!

Heather was kind enough to be my escort for the Homecoming Court presentation...she's so awesome!

Emily and Me at Homecoming on Saturday

Monday, October 25, 2004

"Carpe Diem"

I had the pleasure of spending some time this afternoon talking with a friend about the future. This girl, who is incredibly hot and extremely talented...too bad she's a senior here at SWU and so I decided to ask her the question that you ask every senior, "what are you planning to do after graduation?" This spurred a rather lengthy conversation about our future plans (or lack thereof), our dreams, aspirations, and desires. Neither one of us knew exactly what we want to do, thankfully I have a little more time than she does to figure it out! So I decided that I would use my blog today to discuss my thoughts/feelings about the uncertainty of my future. Currently, my major is English Education, but ironically I don't know if I even want to be a teacher! Originally I wanted to go into Journalism or become a writer of some sort. Not that you would be able to tell from this blog, but I really do believe that the Lord has blessed me with writing ability. One of my dreams is to, one day, write for Relevant Magazine or something like that. Last semester I added the education aspect to my major as another option. I've always thought about teaching, but I really don't know if It's what I'm called to do. I really enjoy my education classes, and I could definitely see me in the classroom, but I just don't know. I am going to take the Praxis I test tomorrow, which is a teacher certification test, and I don't even know if that's what I want to do. I know that it's okay because I've got plenty of time, but sometimes I just feel like everything is useless, pointless, and a waste. My friend and I were talking, and I shared with here that I really felt like I had a call on my life for worship ministry, but that I just feel so inadequate. I was very encouraged because I was reminded that I am right where I am supposed to be. Broken. Only when we realize that we are completely inadequate to do that which God has called us to, can He truly work in and through us. As we were sharing she said something that has really impacted me. She said, "You have to take it day by day...sometimes we get so focused on the future that we miss God's will for our lives each day. He only asks for us to take up our cross daily and follow him. Maybe instead of seeking God's plan for our life, we should seek His plan for our day". It made me wonder at how much I've missed out on because I'm so focused on tomorrow instead of today. May I ever be concious of what the Lord has for me, may I live my life, moment by moment, in complete surrender. CARPE DIEM!

Here's a quote for the day:
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
-Henry David Thoreau

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

"Who Am I?"

Sometimes we all need a little reminder of who we really are. This is something I wrote a while back…just a little glimpse of my heart!

As one season in my life comes to an end, and another rapidly approaches, the question of who I am, or rather, who I want to become, has stirred up a great desire for purpose and direction in my life. As I sit here this afternoon, I am overwhelmed with uncertainty concerning my future, and what lies ahead on this incredible journey we call life.

A few summers ago, I went through the tedious process of having my senior pictures taken. The amount of time, energy, and money that goes into the production of a piece of shiny paper containing a person’s image baffles me. Pictures have never held great value in my life, but one of my senior pictures truly captures the essence of who I am. The picture is not very extravagant, and it is not even focused on me. With my back towards the camera, I am standing off in the distance with my hands raised up towards the sky. This picture displays all of my priorities, passions, and desires for my life, present and future.
My posture in the picture represents two things, humility and worship. Over the past several months, the Lord has taught me the importance of humility, and the truth in the scripture, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.” The Lord has shown me that for me to be successful in any ministry it is necessary for me to be broken and humble myself before the Lord.

Worship is my passion. I desire to use the talents, gifts, and passion for worship that the Lord has birthed in me to challenge and lead the body of Christ into places of true worship. I desire to be used to bring a message of grace, love, mercy and forgiveness, only found in Jesus Christ to my generation. I desire to live a holy life before God, and to be a part of the generation that raises the standard to one of holiness. I desire to be challenged and pushed into a deeper, more intimate level in my relationship with Christ.

There is one more significance in the picture that I want to share with you. In the picture, I am standing on a curving path. I cannot see around the corner, nor do I know what is ahead of me, and yet I do not hesitate to continue walking. In my life, I am standing at a bend in the road. My future is uncertain, but I walk by faith, and not by sight. I am choosing to obey the Lord, and follow his voice wherever it leads me, no matter the cost or sacrifice. Who am I? I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, passionately following Him, wherever He leads.

Monday, October 18, 2004

"A Trust Issue"

Church was great yesterday! Aside from having the pleasure of hearing the vocal stylings of the amazingly talented Whitley, the message was just what I needed to hear.
The message came from Proverbs 3.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who'll keep you on track" (Proverbs 3:5-6 - The Message)
Another translation of these verses says "He will make your paths obvious". I don't know about you, but I really need for my paths to be made obvious to me. Sometimes I get so frustrated with God about my life and my future, because I really have no idea what it holds, and I get so confused! Yesterday I was confronted with a question from God that really made me stop and think..."Do you really trust me?" WOW! We say all the time that we trust God, that we know he has our best interest in mind, that he will take care of us, etc. But do we really believe it? I surely don't live like it most of the time! If I truly trusted God "from the bottom of my heart", I would not worry or fret about tomorow or next semester or 5 years from now! It is so hard for me to let go and give God complete control of everything and trust that He is sufficient, and that He will supply all my needs. For it is only when we trust God that we can recieve anything from him!
Check out yesterday's sermon here!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

"When Harry Met Sally"

At our RA meeting on Monday night, I realized that we are never all together except for during meetings and stuff, and with all of our crazy schedules, I hardly ever see my fellow RAs. So I decided that we needed to have a movie night at Whitley's apt. Several ppl had never seen the movie "When Harry Met Sally", and since I own it, we thought it would be a good movie that almost everyone would enjoy. Well, I don't know how much ppl really enjoyed it...I guess some ppl have much higher movie standards than others...but some of us got together and watched it tonight. I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching that movie. Maybe it's just cuz I'm a sucker for chick flicks, but I think it is such a good movie. The question is: "Can men and women just be friends?" Billy Crystal's character, Harry, believes that it is impossible for men and women to be friends because, "the sex part always gets in the way", while cutie pie Sally (Meg Ryan) thinks that Harry is incredibly too shallow and that men and women can be friends. The whole movie follows them from their meeting to their realization that they love each other...about 12 years!...all along giving you great insight into the thinking patterns of men and women. Now I do have to say that this movie does stereotype guys as shallow, sex maniacs, which completely irritates me, but it is so funny and of course the famous know which just hilarious! But the best thing about the movie is one of the last lines. Harry says to Sally, "Once you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"! What a great line! It's so true, and not just about love. Whenever you find out what you are passionate about, what your purpose in life don't want to sit around and wait to start doing it! What is your passion? Are you actively pursuing it? Life without passion and purpose is worthless. I know I want the rest of my life to start immediately! I want to be all that I am supposed to be, to live my life to its fullest potential, and I guess the whole falling in love thing wouldn't hurt either!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


For today's blog, I wanted to share a poem that I heard last year. The words are so powerful and each time I read it I am enamored by God's love and grace for me!

by Amena Brown

You find me when I'm hiding behind all my disguises
You see me
It takes you to keep me breathing
You are heart, passion, vision, word incision
You send me and you bring me close
Until when you look at me, You see You
You are heavenly, My present and future destiny
You are Father, Creator, Sustainer, Life-changer, Pride-breaker
You are yesterday today and forever
You are pleasure, You are worth
Reason, Present in every season
You are worship, devotion
You are the reason for all my commotion
You are the one that I pray to
You can tell that I'm nothing without you
So awesome that I can pray to You about You
To know you, To sense you
To believe you more, To love you more, To obey you more
To give you more of my heart
Oh God...
Search me, Know me, See me, Examine me, Test me, Love me
Watch me, Protect me, Show me, Investigate me, Be pleased with me
Question me, Keep me, Change me, Have me, Correct me, Take me, Help me
Create in me, Break in on me, Be my reality, Sustain me
Decrease me
Decrease me
Decrease me
Decrease me
Until there is NO ME LEFT
Only you, Only you, Only you
You are light...Are true...Are you...Are hope...Are love...Are strength...Are escape rescue safe
You are peace, You are belief
You are advance and retreat
Of what, to what, to whom can I compare you?
You are my all things new
You are my place of refuge
You are my fortress, My rest
My creativity in the strength of your words to me
You are my ability to see, hear, feel, move, live, breathe, be
You are life and death- all at the same time
You are friend, You are believer, savior, redeemer
You are today, tomorrow, and the next day -
And the next day and the next day and the next day
You are truth, You transcend old age and youth
You are timeless, Priceless, Lightness in darkness
Greatness, Goodness, Sinless...
And in a mess like my life you see righteousness
You leave me speechless
You alone are God!

Monday, October 11, 2004

"Corduroy Pants and Lettuce"

I learned something new today...I look freakin' awesome in corduroy pants. Just kidding. However, while in TX over fall break I decided that it was essential to my survival that I acquire a pair of corduroy pants. It might strike you as odd that an eighteen year old guy determines his life expectancy on a pair of pants but are we, as twenty-first century Americans, not guilty of this sort of thing everyday? Our consumer driven society, even though quite convenient and comfortable, may prove to be the very cause of our demise. I was reading The Communist Manifesto for a world lit. Class today, and the similarities between our society today and the society of that time are incredible. It reads, "[they] forged the weapons that bring death to themselves, and also called into existence the men who are to wield those weapons". Is this not the same thing we have done with materialism? We are so incredibly self-centered in every aspect of our lives. We go to the bank, and we want the teller to tell us what we want to hear and "serve" us...because of course that is her job...isn't it? We drive up to the pick-up window at McDonald's and we get all bent out of shape over a missing french fry, or lettuce on a hamburger when we specifically said, "NO LETTUCE!" If you don't believe me about the selfishness that is sucking all life out of our nation, just drop by your local buffet-style restaurant. Golden Corral on a Sunday afternoon...'nuff said! People will do almost anything imaginable to get what they want. Cost is not an issue...financially or otherwise. We will degrade others to make ourselves look just a little bit better in front of that special girl/guy/boss/whoever. We so flippantly expect things to be served to us on a silver platter....the way we want it, when we want it...or else! We want a certain car, a certain brand, a certain paycheck, a certain "group" of friends. We will dedicate our entire lives to attaining something that, beyond the surface level, is worth absolutely nothing. Even though I think it would be a fun job, and I must say I would do impeccably well, I am not the King of the World....I'm not even the ruler of my own life! So whether the issue is corduroy pants or lettuce...we should strive to be a little less self-centered, and a little more Jesus-centered.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

"Dry and Weary Land"

Well, it's been a while...I have been on fall break away from all the comforts of my SWU home, stuck in The Middle Of Nowhere, TX for a week. The original plan, months ago, was for me to walk down that "lonesome road" and take a road visit my brother in TX. This turned into a long, and somewhat boring family vacation including the parents and even the grandparents. Now I'm not saying that I'm not thankful for a week with no me...I am, it's just that it was very different trying to fit into this "family" mold after almost a year and a half of living away from home. It's crazy because I've always felt like I had an incredible relationship with my parents, and I really believe that I do...for goodness sake, I tell my parents everything, it's just a hard transition I guess. But I guess that's what life is all about...change. Change is so hard, but as I look back on my life, I am so thankful for the changes and growth that the Lord has brought about in my life. He has taken my useless, no-good, ruined life and made it into something with purpose, passion, desire, love, joy, trust (that's a biggie!), and so many more wonderful things. I was listening to one of my favorite worship songs earlier that one of my friends wrote and was moved in a way that I haven't been for a while. The lyrics come straight from scripture:
"Oh God, You are my God. Earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water...because Your love is better than life my lips will glority You. I will praise you as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise You." (Psalm 63)

Do you ever feel like you're living in a dry and weary land? Many times I feel so dry, so empty. It's like I get stuck in this "desert" and I almost forget what I'm living for. Sometimes I am fooled by a mirage that looks like the "real deal", but I just end up disappointed. I think that God allows us to be in such a position of desperation so that we will truly realize our helpless estate, and humble ourselves and truly SEEK HIS FACE with all that we are and all that we have. That's kinda where I've been the past few days. It's only when we realize that His love is better than life itself that we are truly able to start living. I want to fall in love once again with the One who first loved me; not because of who I am, but in spite of who I am!