Monday, February 06, 2006

My Own Prison

As I begin my first post in an extremely long amount of time, I wonder if anyone will even read this. I have decided that even if no one reads what I post on here, that it is still important for me to write. This first post will be an attempt to update any readers of the on-goings in my life.

Since my last post, I have transferred schools. I am now a proud student of Virginia Commonwealth University, located in downtown Richmond, Virginia. The reasons for this change are countless. Even though I enjoyed my time at Southern Wesleyan, it was not the place for me any longer. So often we find ourselves in unhealthy places and do nothing. In the middle of last semester, I found myself in an extremely unhealthy place. I am not speaking of the physical environment in which I was located( however, Stu-B is not the healthiest atmosphere known to man), but this place in which I found myself was more of a state of being. I had become incredibly comfortable in every area of my life...this comfort had become a disease...a sickness that was draining my life of any purpose, passion, or direction. It amazes me how one gets to such a point of emptiness and desperation. It's not as if I woke up one morning and had changed so drastically overnight that I was unable to recognize the face staring back at me from my medicine cabinet. No, the process was slow and the changes subtle, but little by little I had become a different person. I was no longer sensitive...I had become calloused and walls were going up around me faster than in the suburban sprawl I now call my home. I had forsaken my passion of music and worship. I rarely(meaning never) spent an extended amount of time in prayer or even reflection. I had trapped myself in a prison made from a self-righteous facade.

So what do you do when you finally realize that you are living such a pitiful version of what your life is meant to be? Well, at first, you just put up more walls and pretend that everything is okay. You try to fill your life with activities and responsibilities to take up your time so that you don't even think about the mess that is your life. And in the quietness of your room when you are all alone late at night you mourn the loss of your dreams. At least that's what I did. You buy into the lies that are constantly whispered in your ear to give up, to continue in your misery. You are fooled to believe that you are worthless and that your failures will mark you for the rest of your life. You feel so far away from where you want to be that it seems hopeless. This is what I meant when I said that so often we find ourselves in unhealthy places and do nothing. We continue to feed ourselves all of the garbage and lies that have brought us here in the first place. I wonder how long a person can exist in such a place. I imagine some people never know freedom from this type of existence. Thankfully, I do.

I know this freedom now not because of anything that I have done. Leaving Southern did not give me freedom. A change in environment is often a tool that God uses when He guides us to freedom, but any changes we make are futile and meaningless if they are not in step with the Holy Spirit. How did I escape my own prison? I was broken. I was ruined. I allowed the Holy Spirit to convict me of my sin. I listened to the still, small voice that was calling me home.

The past weeks and months have been incredible times that I will remember for the rest of my life. The course of my life has changed. I am no longer on a path towards destruction, but toward life. I have been brought full-circle around to the calling and purpose that I was given to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am uncertain of what the next few years will hold for me, and that excites me beyond description. I am happy to be in this season. I am just beginning to know who I am and the many things that God wants me to learn while I am in this place.

I have so much more to tell about the specifics of what is going on in my life, but that will come later. For now, I encourage you to examine your life. Are you in an unhealthy place? Are you hopelessly rotting away in a self-created prison? Don't give up. There is hope. There is purpose. There is passion. He is waiting for you...calling out. Listen.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...
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nate said...

It means that it is cold outside. Glad to hear things are on their way to going well. See ya in a few weeks?

Anonymous said...

i love you brett. i'm proud of you, and i'm excited for you. your sister (in law)

Martin LaBar said...

Well, I read your posts, too. God's best.