Wednesday, December 29, 2004

"My Big Splurge"

Well I finally splurged and bought myself something that I've wanted for quite IPOD!! I absolutely love it! It amazes me how technology works...this tiny little thing made out of plastic can store 5,000 songs and it sounds amazing! So anyway, I'm back in good ole''s good to be home after so much traveling. The bed I slept in at the hotel last night was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever felt, so it will be incredible to climb into my own bed tonight...there's nothing quite like the feeling of getting in your own bed after being away for a while! I bought a few new CD's this week...ZERO7 & Damien Rice...I've really enjoyed listening to them both...I'll write a review of them in a few days...maybe when I get back to school. So I have a week left of Christmas break...time surely has flown by! There were so many things that I wanted to do while I was home and as of now, I really haven't done much of anything...oh well! It was nice to get to do some traveling, but I think because I haven't been home much, and because my brother hasn't been here at all, this Christmas break has been different, but I guess I'd better get used to different. At dinner last night, my dad said that he really felt like this year was going to be one of major transitions for all of us...I can really see that. I really feel that this coming year will be monumental in my life. I know that the Lord is really desiring to work in my life and I am excited about the things that I am trusting Him to do!

A quote for the new year:

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
- Alan Cohen

22 HOURS, 24 MINUTES till my B-DAY!!

Monday, December 27, 2004

"Restless Traveler"

Well, I'm sitting in a hotel lobby somewhere in North Carolina tonight. My family has been on the road quite a bit the past few weeks...first I went home from school, then my family went to New York for 3 days, then back home again, then we were there for a few days then traveled to Boone, North Carolina to spend some time with my brother's fiance's family. Yes, my brother got engaged a little over a week ago...I'm so excited for him...Jana is one of the most incredible people I know, and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought her to our family. She has such a passion for serving the's amazing and somewhat contagious. It's so neat to watch her and my brother interact...they are so adorable in love. I think that couples are one of the most beautiful things on this earth. It just feels so right and so complete. I am anxiously waiting for the one the Lord has created me to love and to complete me! Anyway, New York was incredible...I am such a city person! I could definitely see myself living in a city somewhere after school...especially after being stuck in Central a.k.a "the middle of nowhere" for 4 years! The past weeks have been slow and relaxing...I've really enjoyed the break, however I am starting to really miss everyone at school, as well as the whole college lifestyle...only a week and a half left! Well, I'd better go for now, there is someone waiting to use the computer...I'll write more later.
By the way...just in case ya didn't know, my birthday is Thursday!

Monday, December 06, 2004

"All Nighter"

I pulled my third all-nighter of the semester last night...lots of laughs, and lots of studying...hopefully I can make it through the rest of the day. It's the last week of the semester...this thought brings forth very bittersweet emotions. There is a big part of me that really wants to go home, but I am also really going to miss all of my friends here at school and just being here. I am definitely ready for a break from classes though...that's for sure! Newspring was incredible this weekend...the message was about the Lord's supper...Perry had some really awesome insights and his teaching was right on. Also, the Newspring band...including my wonderful boss/friend Whitley, totally "rocked my face off with thier funk nasty tunes"! I love me some ghetto talk! This was a great weekend all to spend some quality time with some awesome friends and got to go to coffee underground! But it is Monday morning and the week is here. It's amazing how something can be so depressing and so exciting at the same time.

Verse for the day:
"If I climb the sky, you're there! If I go underground, you're there! If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute --you're already there waiting!"
Psalm 139:7-10 (The Message)

Sunday, December 05, 2004

"Favorite Things"

One of my favorite things about being an RA are the completely random and incredible conversations that happen in the middle of the night. It is almost 5am now, and I just finished talking with one of my freshman residents about life and love and our relationships with Christ and other was great! God has truly used this position of leadership to change and mold me!

Speaking of's a completely random list of some more of my favorite things:
1. Snow
2. Chai Tea
3. The beach
4. Singing with Jenn
5. Singing with whoever, whenever
6. Live music
7. Little Kids
8. Popcorn
9. Coffee Shops
10. Book Stores
11. Flip-Flops
12. Chick Flicks (I know, I know)
13. Chicks!
14. Sunny Days
15. Vacation
16. Christmas
17. Being with my Family
18. Long Trips
19. New paper and pens (I'm a dork!)
20. Laughter

"These are a few of my favorite things"...what are some of yours?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

"16 4JSUS"

What are you living for? God challenged me with this question this past week as one of my closest friends went home to be with Jesus. What, or should I say Who, am I living my life for? Honestly, I have been living my life for myself. There have been very few times in my life when I have truly lived for God, giving him complete control. Comfort is so dangerous to our Christian life. When we become comfortable, we cease to rely on God for provision and protection. I have been living in comfort for a long time.

Lauren Marie Parker breathed her last breath on this earth on November 19th, but it was only then that she truly began to live. You see, Lauren did not live a life of comfort. She lived her faith out loud for all to see. She fully relied on God for her everything. Lauren had no strings attached to this world, and truly desired Christ more than anything this pitiful life has to offer. I have found myself in awe of God's grace and faithfulness this week. He chose to give Lauren the desire of her be with Him, and impact many lives here on earth. 256 people accepted Christ as their savior at Lauren's funeral. This was not because of a wonderful message or speaker (however, my dad rocked!) or song, but it was because hundreds of people saw the way that Lauren lived her life...completely sold out to the cause of Christ, passionately living her life to its fullest potential. Lauren was full of joy, peace, love, kindness, gentleness, passion, was these characteristics, the abundant evidence of Christ's reign in her life that impacted so many people.

As I watched so many people choose Jesus because of the example that Lauren lived, I began to wonder if anyone would be drawn to Christ by watching me live my life. I'm not so sure. It is my desire to live everyday with a passion and desire for such intimacy with my creator that it encompasses everything that I am and all that I do. I pray that God would smooth out my rough edges and imperfections, allowing others to see a greater reflection of him in me. I don't want to stand on the side lines any longer.

As Lauren turned the corner in her little, white Nissan she had no idea that she would be instantly in the presence of her Lord. She was ready. I want to be ready. Not just "saved", but entirely ready to be wrapped in his embrace, desiring Christ above all else. Lauren's liscence plate read "16 4JSUS". 16 was not only her jersey number, her identity, but it was also her age. She lived 16 years for Jesus, completely sold out to Christ's purpose for her. Through this experience I have realized that my life is not my own. I pray that as I grow and mature, people will be able to see these things evident in my life.

Thank you God for loving me...I'm so underserving.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

"Late Night Rantings"

So, tonight was our last performance of The Rivals, and even though I had a lot of fun this weekend performing, I am not very sad to see it end. I am looking forward to my evenings consisting of more than rehearsals. This show was very different from any other that I have participated in. The cast was very diverse and unique. It was nice because some of my really good friends were a part of the cast, but also, at times I was very irritated by the unprofessional way that much of the cast acted. Rehearsals were very long and many people seemed to be distracted very easily. However, I was pleased with the final results. I really feel that we performed well and I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction now that it is over.

Ok, so I don't really have anything specific to write about tonight. I'm sitting in Whitley's office, i'm on sad! I'm listening to MUTE MATH on their website...they rock my face off! It's good late night music. It's strange how some things are just better suited for late at night. You know the feeling when its so late that everything seems incredibly hilarious? Or when everything becomes louder? Some music is good late night music. Some food is good late night food. I've heard it said before that nothing good happens after midnight...I beg to differ! I am such a night owl. My creative juices start flowing late at night! Some of the most meaningful, intimate converstations I've had happen late at night. Have you ever turned on your tv past 3 am? You will find some of the most random things...I think it's hilarious!

I suffer greatly from late night cravings. More often than not its for Ben and Jerry's! Sometimes I crave the strangest things...bloomin' onion from Outback, toast and peanut butter, banannas, chai tea, hot chocolate, popcorn, macaroni and cheese, did i mention cheesecake (my fav!)...the list could go on and on. Not to mention the numberless things that I crave that have nothing to do with food. Sometimes I crave seclusion, other times I crave attention. Many times late at night I become highly aware of my cravings for love. Sometimes I crave a back massage or a sweet song or a long embrace.

What are your late night cravings or fav. late night memories?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

"Piano Rocker Rocks My Face Off"

I've added a new link to my music list. You've got to check this guy out, for real! Ben Jelen (pronounced "yellin" for those who were wonderin'). This guy is "funk nasty"...I had to get in my daily drop of ghetto vocab...who am I kidding? I'm the whitest white boy there is! So anyway, I was surfing the web earlier today in search of a great musical talent...I'm so tired of tenni-bopper chicks who think they can sing, flaunting their stuff...or lack thereof...all over the place. It's so refreshing to hear real talent these days. So I was searching on Itunes and came across this guy's stuff. I listened to a few clips and proceeded to his website...which is "off the chain" btw (there's some more ghetto vocab. for ya!) After...oh 5 seconds...I was sold. So I headed off the the great world of Wally and bought his CD "Give It All Away". All the way home and in the 3 hours since I've been soaking in some incredible tunes! His music is a beautiful marriage of piano and rockin' vocals. Not only does this guy rock it on the piano, but he also plays the guitar and violin. If only I could sing like this guy...oh well!

A few quotes from Ben's site:

"Ben Jelen's debut album, GIVE IT ALL AWAY (Maverick), showcases a self-taught musician whose introspective songs are balanced by an optimistic belief in new beginnings."

"Over lush instrumentation, Jelen tells a poet's tale. His lyrics explore the burn of passion, the nostalgia that remains when the fire cools, and the bittersweet emotions at each end of the spectrum."

"My musical process is organic and emotional, and Maverick was willing to let me be who I am, he reveals, I write songs about things that have stirred and inspired me, and I record when my feelings are fresh to preserve those emotions."

"Ben explains, I donít write just one type of song, Ben explains, I write what I see, do, and feel. The blood boiling when you're angry, you're pulse racing when you're excited: that's what's important. When I feel like that, the song already exists in my mind and I just start writing."



Sunday, October 31, 2004

"Longing for Love" i felt like writing a little bit tonight and this is what came...this is not about anyone in particular...just so you know!

I'm sitting alone in my room tonight. The world is narrowing around me, and I am suddenly secluded. My window is open because it is a beautiful night, the kind where you can sense the changing of seasons. I can hear the sound of the swing being pushed back and forth by the presence of two people alone in their own world. Their world stands in complete contrast to mine. They are in love. The sound of an innocent lover's smile penetrates the distance between us and I am at once drawn into the mystery of it all. I dare not try to understand, for it is impossible because I am not living in their world. I am dead to this world of love. I cannot breathe its air nor stand its ground, yet I can sense its beauty and gaze upon it with longing.

I long for the connection they share. I long to have my fingers entangled in the hair of the one I'm made for. I long to look into her eyes and know. I long to place my hand inside hers and have my body tremble with nervousness and excitment. I long to feel her smile in the depths of my soul. I long to dance with her in the middle of a crowded room so everyone can see us. I long to embrace her to pray for her to sing to her and build a life with her. I long to protect her, to provide for her, to lead her, to guide her, to be guided by her. I long to give her extravagant gifts as well as simple ones. I long to kiss her eyelids and forehead when she's not feeling well to make her better. I long to hold her in my arms as we dance. I long to take long walks to talk about nothing. I long to sit on that swing and feel it moving to our rhythm.

I can still hear the swing outside my window. I am still unable to understand this thing called love, I can only wait patiently, anticipating its arrival.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Jes Allen (one of my best friends) and Me! Aren't we HOTT!!!

Jess Neal and Me! It was fun to be on the court with such good friends!

Heather was kind enough to be my escort for the Homecoming Court presentation...she's so awesome!

Emily and Me at Homecoming on Saturday

Monday, October 25, 2004

"Carpe Diem"

I had the pleasure of spending some time this afternoon talking with a friend about the future. This girl, who is incredibly hot and extremely talented...too bad she's a senior here at SWU and so I decided to ask her the question that you ask every senior, "what are you planning to do after graduation?" This spurred a rather lengthy conversation about our future plans (or lack thereof), our dreams, aspirations, and desires. Neither one of us knew exactly what we want to do, thankfully I have a little more time than she does to figure it out! So I decided that I would use my blog today to discuss my thoughts/feelings about the uncertainty of my future. Currently, my major is English Education, but ironically I don't know if I even want to be a teacher! Originally I wanted to go into Journalism or become a writer of some sort. Not that you would be able to tell from this blog, but I really do believe that the Lord has blessed me with writing ability. One of my dreams is to, one day, write for Relevant Magazine or something like that. Last semester I added the education aspect to my major as another option. I've always thought about teaching, but I really don't know if It's what I'm called to do. I really enjoy my education classes, and I could definitely see me in the classroom, but I just don't know. I am going to take the Praxis I test tomorrow, which is a teacher certification test, and I don't even know if that's what I want to do. I know that it's okay because I've got plenty of time, but sometimes I just feel like everything is useless, pointless, and a waste. My friend and I were talking, and I shared with here that I really felt like I had a call on my life for worship ministry, but that I just feel so inadequate. I was very encouraged because I was reminded that I am right where I am supposed to be. Broken. Only when we realize that we are completely inadequate to do that which God has called us to, can He truly work in and through us. As we were sharing she said something that has really impacted me. She said, "You have to take it day by day...sometimes we get so focused on the future that we miss God's will for our lives each day. He only asks for us to take up our cross daily and follow him. Maybe instead of seeking God's plan for our life, we should seek His plan for our day". It made me wonder at how much I've missed out on because I'm so focused on tomorrow instead of today. May I ever be concious of what the Lord has for me, may I live my life, moment by moment, in complete surrender. CARPE DIEM!

Here's a quote for the day:
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
-Henry David Thoreau

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

"Who Am I?"

Sometimes we all need a little reminder of who we really are. This is something I wrote a while back…just a little glimpse of my heart!

As one season in my life comes to an end, and another rapidly approaches, the question of who I am, or rather, who I want to become, has stirred up a great desire for purpose and direction in my life. As I sit here this afternoon, I am overwhelmed with uncertainty concerning my future, and what lies ahead on this incredible journey we call life.

A few summers ago, I went through the tedious process of having my senior pictures taken. The amount of time, energy, and money that goes into the production of a piece of shiny paper containing a person’s image baffles me. Pictures have never held great value in my life, but one of my senior pictures truly captures the essence of who I am. The picture is not very extravagant, and it is not even focused on me. With my back towards the camera, I am standing off in the distance with my hands raised up towards the sky. This picture displays all of my priorities, passions, and desires for my life, present and future.
My posture in the picture represents two things, humility and worship. Over the past several months, the Lord has taught me the importance of humility, and the truth in the scripture, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.” The Lord has shown me that for me to be successful in any ministry it is necessary for me to be broken and humble myself before the Lord.

Worship is my passion. I desire to use the talents, gifts, and passion for worship that the Lord has birthed in me to challenge and lead the body of Christ into places of true worship. I desire to be used to bring a message of grace, love, mercy and forgiveness, only found in Jesus Christ to my generation. I desire to live a holy life before God, and to be a part of the generation that raises the standard to one of holiness. I desire to be challenged and pushed into a deeper, more intimate level in my relationship with Christ.

There is one more significance in the picture that I want to share with you. In the picture, I am standing on a curving path. I cannot see around the corner, nor do I know what is ahead of me, and yet I do not hesitate to continue walking. In my life, I am standing at a bend in the road. My future is uncertain, but I walk by faith, and not by sight. I am choosing to obey the Lord, and follow his voice wherever it leads me, no matter the cost or sacrifice. Who am I? I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, passionately following Him, wherever He leads.

Monday, October 18, 2004

"A Trust Issue"

Church was great yesterday! Aside from having the pleasure of hearing the vocal stylings of the amazingly talented Whitley, the message was just what I needed to hear.
The message came from Proverbs 3.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who'll keep you on track" (Proverbs 3:5-6 - The Message)
Another translation of these verses says "He will make your paths obvious". I don't know about you, but I really need for my paths to be made obvious to me. Sometimes I get so frustrated with God about my life and my future, because I really have no idea what it holds, and I get so confused! Yesterday I was confronted with a question from God that really made me stop and think..."Do you really trust me?" WOW! We say all the time that we trust God, that we know he has our best interest in mind, that he will take care of us, etc. But do we really believe it? I surely don't live like it most of the time! If I truly trusted God "from the bottom of my heart", I would not worry or fret about tomorow or next semester or 5 years from now! It is so hard for me to let go and give God complete control of everything and trust that He is sufficient, and that He will supply all my needs. For it is only when we trust God that we can recieve anything from him!
Check out yesterday's sermon here!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

"When Harry Met Sally"

At our RA meeting on Monday night, I realized that we are never all together except for during meetings and stuff, and with all of our crazy schedules, I hardly ever see my fellow RAs. So I decided that we needed to have a movie night at Whitley's apt. Several ppl had never seen the movie "When Harry Met Sally", and since I own it, we thought it would be a good movie that almost everyone would enjoy. Well, I don't know how much ppl really enjoyed it...I guess some ppl have much higher movie standards than others...but some of us got together and watched it tonight. I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching that movie. Maybe it's just cuz I'm a sucker for chick flicks, but I think it is such a good movie. The question is: "Can men and women just be friends?" Billy Crystal's character, Harry, believes that it is impossible for men and women to be friends because, "the sex part always gets in the way", while cutie pie Sally (Meg Ryan) thinks that Harry is incredibly too shallow and that men and women can be friends. The whole movie follows them from their meeting to their realization that they love each other...about 12 years!...all along giving you great insight into the thinking patterns of men and women. Now I do have to say that this movie does stereotype guys as shallow, sex maniacs, which completely irritates me, but it is so funny and of course the famous know which just hilarious! But the best thing about the movie is one of the last lines. Harry says to Sally, "Once you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"! What a great line! It's so true, and not just about love. Whenever you find out what you are passionate about, what your purpose in life don't want to sit around and wait to start doing it! What is your passion? Are you actively pursuing it? Life without passion and purpose is worthless. I know I want the rest of my life to start immediately! I want to be all that I am supposed to be, to live my life to its fullest potential, and I guess the whole falling in love thing wouldn't hurt either!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


For today's blog, I wanted to share a poem that I heard last year. The words are so powerful and each time I read it I am enamored by God's love and grace for me!

by Amena Brown

You find me when I'm hiding behind all my disguises
You see me
It takes you to keep me breathing
You are heart, passion, vision, word incision
You send me and you bring me close
Until when you look at me, You see You
You are heavenly, My present and future destiny
You are Father, Creator, Sustainer, Life-changer, Pride-breaker
You are yesterday today and forever
You are pleasure, You are worth
Reason, Present in every season
You are worship, devotion
You are the reason for all my commotion
You are the one that I pray to
You can tell that I'm nothing without you
So awesome that I can pray to You about You
To know you, To sense you
To believe you more, To love you more, To obey you more
To give you more of my heart
Oh God...
Search me, Know me, See me, Examine me, Test me, Love me
Watch me, Protect me, Show me, Investigate me, Be pleased with me
Question me, Keep me, Change me, Have me, Correct me, Take me, Help me
Create in me, Break in on me, Be my reality, Sustain me
Decrease me
Decrease me
Decrease me
Decrease me
Until there is NO ME LEFT
Only you, Only you, Only you
You are light...Are true...Are you...Are hope...Are love...Are strength...Are escape rescue safe
You are peace, You are belief
You are advance and retreat
Of what, to what, to whom can I compare you?
You are my all things new
You are my place of refuge
You are my fortress, My rest
My creativity in the strength of your words to me
You are my ability to see, hear, feel, move, live, breathe, be
You are life and death- all at the same time
You are friend, You are believer, savior, redeemer
You are today, tomorrow, and the next day -
And the next day and the next day and the next day
You are truth, You transcend old age and youth
You are timeless, Priceless, Lightness in darkness
Greatness, Goodness, Sinless...
And in a mess like my life you see righteousness
You leave me speechless
You alone are God!

Monday, October 11, 2004

"Corduroy Pants and Lettuce"

I learned something new today...I look freakin' awesome in corduroy pants. Just kidding. However, while in TX over fall break I decided that it was essential to my survival that I acquire a pair of corduroy pants. It might strike you as odd that an eighteen year old guy determines his life expectancy on a pair of pants but are we, as twenty-first century Americans, not guilty of this sort of thing everyday? Our consumer driven society, even though quite convenient and comfortable, may prove to be the very cause of our demise. I was reading The Communist Manifesto for a world lit. Class today, and the similarities between our society today and the society of that time are incredible. It reads, "[they] forged the weapons that bring death to themselves, and also called into existence the men who are to wield those weapons". Is this not the same thing we have done with materialism? We are so incredibly self-centered in every aspect of our lives. We go to the bank, and we want the teller to tell us what we want to hear and "serve" us...because of course that is her job...isn't it? We drive up to the pick-up window at McDonald's and we get all bent out of shape over a missing french fry, or lettuce on a hamburger when we specifically said, "NO LETTUCE!" If you don't believe me about the selfishness that is sucking all life out of our nation, just drop by your local buffet-style restaurant. Golden Corral on a Sunday afternoon...'nuff said! People will do almost anything imaginable to get what they want. Cost is not an issue...financially or otherwise. We will degrade others to make ourselves look just a little bit better in front of that special girl/guy/boss/whoever. We so flippantly expect things to be served to us on a silver platter....the way we want it, when we want it...or else! We want a certain car, a certain brand, a certain paycheck, a certain "group" of friends. We will dedicate our entire lives to attaining something that, beyond the surface level, is worth absolutely nothing. Even though I think it would be a fun job, and I must say I would do impeccably well, I am not the King of the World....I'm not even the ruler of my own life! So whether the issue is corduroy pants or lettuce...we should strive to be a little less self-centered, and a little more Jesus-centered.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

"Dry and Weary Land"

Well, it's been a while...I have been on fall break away from all the comforts of my SWU home, stuck in The Middle Of Nowhere, TX for a week. The original plan, months ago, was for me to walk down that "lonesome road" and take a road visit my brother in TX. This turned into a long, and somewhat boring family vacation including the parents and even the grandparents. Now I'm not saying that I'm not thankful for a week with no me...I am, it's just that it was very different trying to fit into this "family" mold after almost a year and a half of living away from home. It's crazy because I've always felt like I had an incredible relationship with my parents, and I really believe that I do...for goodness sake, I tell my parents everything, it's just a hard transition I guess. But I guess that's what life is all about...change. Change is so hard, but as I look back on my life, I am so thankful for the changes and growth that the Lord has brought about in my life. He has taken my useless, no-good, ruined life and made it into something with purpose, passion, desire, love, joy, trust (that's a biggie!), and so many more wonderful things. I was listening to one of my favorite worship songs earlier that one of my friends wrote and was moved in a way that I haven't been for a while. The lyrics come straight from scripture:
"Oh God, You are my God. Earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water...because Your love is better than life my lips will glority You. I will praise you as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise You." (Psalm 63)

Do you ever feel like you're living in a dry and weary land? Many times I feel so dry, so empty. It's like I get stuck in this "desert" and I almost forget what I'm living for. Sometimes I am fooled by a mirage that looks like the "real deal", but I just end up disappointed. I think that God allows us to be in such a position of desperation so that we will truly realize our helpless estate, and humble ourselves and truly SEEK HIS FACE with all that we are and all that we have. That's kinda where I've been the past few days. It's only when we realize that His love is better than life itself that we are truly able to start living. I want to fall in love once again with the One who first loved me; not because of who I am, but in spite of who I am!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

"My Everything"

It's been a whole week since I've posted sad :( I think It's funny how we start things and then never finish them. I know that around my house at home, my dad has started so many projects that never end up getting finished. That is probably one of my biggest pet have to start a project and leave it half done. This past summer, while working at a doctor's office, I had the wonderful priviledge (yeah right!) of re-organizing ALL of the medical charts. The office probably has around 15,000 patients or this was a pretty large task. I had to go home everyday knowing that my job was not done...this drove me crazy! I hate to do things half-way...I would rather not start at all than start and not be able to finish. I am also one to not do things that I know I will not excel at. Like sports...pretty much if it has to do with a ball...I SUCK AT IT! So therefore, I don't try anything, and in turn miss out on a lot! I was thinking about this earlier, and it came in to my mind that I am so glad that God does not have a problem finishing his projects. Just before Jesus died on the cross, he said, "IT IS FINISHED!" My salvation is complete...paid in full...He didn't half-way save me! It also says in Philippians 1:6 that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion"! How awesome is that? God promises us that He will complete the work that he has started in each of us. How liberating to realize that I am not already complete! I'm so glad that I have not "arrived", because if this is it...then it's not all that great...there's got to be more! There much more! I am confident that God has incredible things in store for me, He wants to complete me...all I have to do is allow Him to do the work.

God, right now I give you free reign in my life. I want you to complete the work that you started in me...if there is anything in me that is in the way of you working I pray that you would just remove it. I want to be free. Free from opinion, free from sin, free from myself. I ask that you would open my eyes to the "big picture" and give me strength as I choose obedience to your call. I love you more than words can express. You are MY EVERYTHING!

Thursday, September 16, 2004

"Class Notes"

I was so incredibly bored during one of my classes today, so I thought it would be fun to see what kind of “random thoughts” my classmates had...I passed around a sheet of paper and this is what I got back:

“I think we talk about the exact same thing everyday!”

“Did you know that green M&M’s make your boobs grow?”
(someone added...”and your butt too!”)

“If I were to lose almost all of my hair, I would shave it off and go bald!”

“What would happen if humans had pouches like kangaroos?”

“I have sexy feet!”

“A green bug is tickling my finger!”

“Why was the cucumber blushing?...Because he saw the salad dressing...hahaha!”

“What about the dog and the doghouse?...tell me about that!”

“My butt is falling asleep!”

“It’s not easy being green!”

“Can a cow be sexy in a bikini?”

“People don’t own cats; Cats own people!”

“How does a thermos know to keep some food hot and some cool?”

“The moment may not last forever, but the memory does!”

“If you fart while wearing spandex pants, will your shoes fly off?”

“Interrupting pineapple!”

“Guys who shalack are just trouble!”

“You live, you learn, you cut your legs up!”

“Beware of the cross-dressing midgets, because that is where the evening is headed!”

Any random thoughts to add?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

"Random Thoughts"

This is something that I wrote in the middle of the night a few months ago...

There is much in life that confuses the heck out of me. Sometimes late at night I lie awake in my bed and ponder the things in life that really matter. This is not what brand of jeans I will wake up and slide into after hitting the snooze button for over an hour, if I am or ever will be “mr. popular”, or if maybe this summer will be the one that I will have a good tan and that oh-so-sexy 6-pack…however, these things do cross my mind every once in a while…but in the secrecy of the night, when my mind starts to race and I can’t keep my eyes closed for anything, my thoughts shift from these seemingly pivotal yet sincerely trivial things to the core of who I am. This is where the confusing part comes in.

People are so hard to read sometimes. It is universally understood that there is a certain mystery about females that guys will never be able to figure out, and believe it or not, girls, there is a lot about the male species that you don’t quite understand either. Yes, we do have something going on inside our heads…well most of us anyway. Have you ever been in a relationship, even a friendship where you desperately wished you could know the thought processes of the other party? I know I have. Or even your parents. By the way…kids will never understand their parents, and parents will never understand their kids…it’s inevitable. The point is that as people we are limited in our understanding. I think that these limitations are not just related to our understanding of other people, but also our own selves.

Don’t you hate to hear your voice recorded on an answering machine? Sometimes I hear myself talking and I think, “Who is that?” The person that we hear and know is often times very different from the person that we portray. To quote one of my favorite movies, “it never sounds quite like you play it in your head”. It makes me wonder….which is the real me? The “me” that I know or the “me” that everyone else knows? I don’t even know what I think of me, why should I consider what other people think? I have lived too long under the oppression of the opinions of other people. Why do we do this? Why have I lived the majority of my 18 years for other people? Think about it. Our clothes, our hair, the music we listen to, the things that we say, the things that we don’t say, the things that we do, the things that we try, the people we talk to , the places we go, the car that we drive, the things we participate in, the girls we date, the girls we use…I could go on and on. Every single aspect of our lives revolves around the fear of what other people will think about us. We are afraid our parents will be disappointed, we are afraid our friends won’t think we’re cool, we’re afraid that our boyfriend/girlfriend won’t love us anymore unless…you name it! How is it that we, as a generation, have lost the ability to think for ourselves? We rely on affirmation. We follow the crowd. We give in too easily. We have been infected with a disease that is killing all individuality and making us carbon copies of each other.

Now I’m sure you’re thinking, “not me”. I think for myself. I don’t shop at Abercrombie or Hollister. I haven’t compromised my values or my feelings for anyone. I would beg to differ. When was the last time that you really questioned your motives? Why do you sit where you do at lunch? Is it because that seat is the most comfortable, or because it’s closest to the exit? I think not. It’s because you want to fit in. Now, I’m not saying it’s bad to fit in, or even to be popular. Being well-liked and respected by your peers is something that should be desired by all. But how you go about achieving this is the issue at hand. Do people like you because of what you wear or because of who you are?

We are taught from an early age what is attractive and what is not. Television, Movies, Magazines all portray the ideal life. For girls it’s beautifully straight hair, big boobs, and a size 2 waist….but that’s not all, you must be incredibly tanned all year long, wear expensive clothing and carry a Louis Vuitton purse. For guys it is that 6-pack I mentioned earlier, along with other muscles and the same tanned skin…also, you must be somewhat rugged and wild, play sports, and have sex with as many of the above described females as possible. Not only is that life unattainable, it doesn’t consider anything other than appearances. An attractive outside does not make up for an ugly inside. We can look perfect on the outside and be rotting away. It doesn’t really make sense to desperately want those incredible abs to show off at the beach, when the part of me that really matters, my character, is nothing to be proud of. I sure do wish that someone would invent a mirror that shows us what we look like on the inside…I wonder how much time we would spend in front of a mirror like that.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all?” We all seek affirmation. We want to be noticed. This innate desire for recognition is the cause of the sacrifice of individuality in our generation. “Dress to impress”…Impress who? Who are we trying to impress with our fake appearances? Who are we trying to please? Do you honestly think that when you die it will matter how many pair of designer jeans you own or if you were “popular” in high school? In college? At work? I don’t think so! I am not saying that affirmation is bad; I just think that recognition should be reserved for things that deserve it. Things like being unique, holding true to your personal values under pressure, saving yourself until marriage. These rarities in our generation are the things that should be receiving affirmation. Maybe instead of asking who’s the fairest of all, or prettiest of all, or anything like that we should ask, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the purest of them all”.

"Eternal Issues"

Today has been interesting as of yet. I woke up to find that I had slept throught my bio lab, later on when I checked my checking account balance online I found that I had an overdraft fee, and then when I went to go to the bank to deposit some money...guess car wouldn't start! Is it just me or does this kind of stuff seem to happen all the time! I get so frustrated with life sometimes...nothing ever seems to work out the way that we plan! My Grandma has a saying..."life is what happens to you while you're on the way to do what you had planned to do". Sometimes I feel like I'm living out Alanis Morisette's song "Ironic". "It's like rain on your wedding day...a free ride when you've already's the good advice that you just didn't take...who would've thought? it figures!" I especially like the line where she's like "it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife". I feel like that all the time! My keys, wallet, cell phone, and anything else of importance, have a really annoying habbit of getting lost...this irritates me to death! I feel like such an idiot too, because I'll be freaking out cuz I lost my keys, have been looking for them forever and think that I might just die if I don't find them...and then there they are...right in front of my face! I was at a retreat a few weekends ago, and the speaker talked about how we spend so much time focused on things that don't really matter. The things that really matter in life are things that have eternal significance...things like love. I'm not talking about musy-gusy love like in a happy-go-lucky chick flick, but down in the dirt, get your hands dirty, love 'till it hurts, kind of love. Love is sacrificial. Love is painful. Love is vulnerable. Love is humble. Love is mature-being able to look at things like lost keys, overdraft fees, and sucky cars and saying..."this is not an eternal issue"! It is my prayer that I will learn how to love more like Christ, that I will put to death my attitude of "It's all about me", and truly live a life that screams, "IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS!"